Jean Kittson’s Christmas Traditions

Jean Kittson shares thoughtful ways to celebrate Christmas

Every year we used to say to the kids, ‘We are not going away for Christmas because this could be Grandma and Grandpa’s last Christmas’. This went on for fifteen years, which was a miracle and a blessing and certainly it created a few moments of disappointment at the time, but now Mum and Dad have gone, none of us would have forfeited a Christmas with them for a week at the beach, because Christmas was special. It was chaotic and loud and shambolic and there was too much food and not much room in the retirement village unit, but there were always enough places for everyone to sit, even if two people had to balance their turkey on the knees while sitting on Mum and Dad’s walkers. And even if we didn’t have deep conversations with all the family, we all smiled at each other and shouted over the top of each other and Mum and Dad could feel us all there, all together, knowing we were their tribe and we belonged to them and they belonged to us. We were all carers that day.

It was never easy for Mum and Dad to no longer be the people who provided Christmas for their family. Being cared for can be very difficult for people who have always done things for themselves and others. Receiving is often a lot harder than giving and I have learnt we all have to make sure, especially at Christmas, that there is still a role for all – a chance to participate, not just observe.

Dad right to the end, would hang a plastic Father Christmas decoration from the 1970’s on the door and throw a bit old, balding tinsel over the television. Back in the day Christmas was his chance to express his creative flair. Dad had a special Australian Christmas tree, which was a beach umbrella that he put up in the loungeroom, with the pole in a pot with rocks in it. Then he would decorate it with all the old Christmas cards he and Mum had received over the past forty years, pinning them to the canvas. He would smother it with tinsel and plastic flowers, that were used for shop decorations when Mum had a shoe shop back in the 80’s and 90’s.  He would hang strings of Christmas lights from the ribs of the umbrella and all around the edge and then put wrapped Christmas presents and old toys all around the bottom. It was a marvellous, magical creation, full of wonder and nostalgia and you didn’t have to clean up pine needles at the end.

Mum’s role was to make a Christmas pudding and a Christmas cake for each of the kids and their families to have in their own homes and one of each for us all when we were together at Christmas. They were enormous. They weighed maybe four kilos each. By the end Mum was making them by brail. Soaking bags of dried fruit in many bottles of brandy. We had one in a fridge for years, somehow, we got behind in eating them, but it was still good about five years later. Better in fact.

The top Christmas tip is that we must put the person or people we are caring for first. Especially if they are elderly. Christmas must revolve around them and where they are and their capacity to move, hear, understand or contribute. It is a major logistical undertaking putting all the pieces in place to make Christmas for them, with them as meaningful participants.

Christmas is not just for children. In fact, it is the children who must shift the focus to their elders and their Christmas. More presents for the littlies, certainly, but holidays definitely postponed to share Christmas with the people we care for.

Sometimes you may feel that all the time, planning and negotiating it takes to organise family, food and Secret Santas is not worth the few fleeting hours when everyone comes together, eats, shouts and leaves. Let me tell you, it is worth it. Because when the awkward, overwrought, shambolic family Christmas is no longer a possibility, it is deeply, deeply missed.

But please dear carers, remember to take the time on the day to sit and enjoy the mayhem. The washing up can wait. The cups of tea can wait. Or someone else can do it. You don’t have to do it all. We just get so habituated to doing it all, to looking after their every need, we forget to just be; to sit, to listen, to share, to laugh, to learn, to gossip, to be grateful for it all. The good, the bad and the tedious. I know now that what we will miss the most, is taking some time to not be the carer but simply be the companion, the friend, the daughter, the son, the child, the mother, the father, the husband, the wife. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

About Jean Kittson

Jean Kittson AM is an Australian performer, writer and comedian in theatre and print, on radio and television. Read more of Jean Kittson’s articles for Australian Carers Guide here.