Navigating Resistance to Assistance:
Supporting an ageing parent who insists they’re fine
(when they’re not)

Navigating an ageing parent’s refusal to accept help can be one of the hardest parts of the caring journey. Many older Australians fiercely value their independence and may see accepting assistance as a sign of weakness, failure, or loss of control. Others may simply not realise how much their needs have changed. 

The good news? With patience, compassion, and a few proven strategies, you can gently guide your loved one toward accepting the support they truly need. 

Start With Empathy: Understand Their “Why”

Before problem-solving, pause to truly listen. Ask open-ended, non-confrontational questions like: “Mum, I’ve noticed you’re hesitant about having someone help around the house. Can you tell me more about that?” 
You might uncover a fear of losing privacy, embarrassment about needing help, or simply denial about their changing abilities. 

Example: After her stroke, Helen refused assistance, insisting she could still do everything herself. Her daughter eventually discovered Helen was embarrassed about someone seeing her unkempt hair and untidy home. Once this was out in the open, Helen agreed to start with a once-a-week “home beauty day” visit from a support worker. 

Shift the Focus: It’s About Staying Independent 

Frame care as a way to stay independent, not surrender it. Reinforce that having help allows them to continue living at home longer, not the opposite. You might say: “Dad, I want you to keep doing all the things you love, I just want you to have support when you need it, especially when I can’t be there.” 
Start with tasks that feel less personal like transport, meal prep or housework, before introducing more personal care. 

Get a Trusted Third Party Involved

If your message isn’t getting through, bring in an outside voice. GPs, My Aged Care assessors, and community nurses often carry more weight with our elders. 

In-home aged care assessments through My Aged Care are free and may offer services your loved one didn’t know existed. 

Tip: If they’re still resistant, suggest a “trial run” for a few weeks, then review how it’s going together. 

Do Your Homework First

Come prepared with solutions, not just problems. Research local providers through: 

– MyAgedCare.gov.au 

– Local council aged care services 

– Trusted community recommendations 

Example: When Raj’s mother refused outside help, he showed her testimonials from another local Indian family using the same aged care provider. Seeing familiar cultural references made her feel comfortable enough to give it a go. 

Respect Their Right to Choose (Even If You Disagree) 

Unless your loved one lacks decision-making capacity, they ultimately have the right to say no. Empower them to make informed choices, not forceful ultimatums. 

Common Scenarios & What You Can Do

Here are three modern caring dynamics, and how carers can navigate them: 
 
You’re Doing It All and Burning Out 

You’re working full-time, raising your kids, and caring for Dad solo, while your siblings cheer you on from the sidelines. 

What to do:
– Set up a family meeting with a clear agenda 
– Be specific about what help you need 
– Consider respite care 
– Use the Carer Gateway (1800 422 737) for support 

Control Issues Are Driving Everyone Mad 

You’ve been the main carer for months, but now your brother’s back and wants to take over. You have a hard time of giving up control. 

What to do:
– Let go of perfectionism 
– Use shared calendars to communicate 
– Focus on outcomes, not methods 

You Gave Up Everything… and Feel Forgotten 

You retired early to move in with Mum. Now you’re lonely, exhausted, and unsure where you fit. 

What to do:
– Be honest with your family 
– Ask for help in specific, manageable ways 
– Join local carer groups 
– Schedule guilt-free breaks 

Useful Resources

– Carer Gateway – 1800 422 737 

– My Aged Care – 1800 200 422 

– Dementia Australia – 1800 100 500 

– Your GP – for mental health support