There’ll be no festive season for “naughty” grandparents

Everything you need to know about elder abuse and how to handle it

It’s that time of the year again. Santa’s deciding who’s been bad or good. Unfortunately, the festive season isn’t a time of celebration for some older people. For those whose adult children have decided that Mummy or Daddy should be banished to the naughty corner, it’s a very tough time emotionally. There’s no greater joy than watching your grandchildren rip off the gift wrap and squeal with equal measures of joy and delight as they pull out their present from you. There’s no greater joy than sharing love.

Around one in six Australians over 65 experience elder abuse.  Victoria Police define it as “any act by a trusted person or a family member causing harm to an older person”, aged 65 or over. Under the Family Violence Protection Act 2008, elder abuse is a crime in Victoria.

Twelve per cent of Australians experienced psychological abuse, the most common form of elder abuse in 2020. Psychological abuse can be more difficult to prove than, say, financial abuse. It can also manifest in combination with other forms of abuse. Psychological abuse includes “being insulted, called names or sworn at in an aggressive or offensive way, being excluded or repeatedly ignored and being undermined or belittled”.  Treating an older person as though they are a child, withholding contact with grandchildren and not being invited to important family functions are all examples of psychological elder abuse. The NSW Health Elder Abuse Toolkit, Identifying and responding to the abuse of older people: the 5 step approach, covers psychological abuse in easy to read detail.

Adult children and grandchildren are the main perpetrators of elder abuse. In Australia estrangement, including grandparent alienation, is a growing form of elder abuse.

There is no winner when an adult child holds their parent hostage or uses coercive control to prevent them from seeing or limits their time with their grandchildren. Estrangement and alienation are the currency of heartache whether you are the elder abuser or the victim. Everyone is a victim.  Everyone suffers. The extended family who, when roped into the drama and pressured to take sides, may unwittingly find themselves elder abusers by proxy.

Grandchildren grow up. They learn to make up their own minds about what did or didn’t happen that forces one or both of their parents to be ostracised, alienated or banished to the furthest reaches of Pluto. They also learn from the perpetrator parent’s behaviour that it is acceptable to be an elder abuser.

Remember, you can report elder abuse to the police.

What else can you do if you are a doting grandparent who, right now, won’t be seeing your grandchildren this festive season?

Speak up

Tell someone you trust about what you are experiencing.

According to the findings of the National Elder Abuse Prevalence Study, forty per cent of people who experience psychological elder abuse seek help or advice. Many older people feel too ashamed to report their own children. They fear other repercussions, such as further alienation from the wider family.

Document every interaction with your perpetrator

Keep a diary of every time that you were subject to elder abuse. Note the date, the facts of what happened, how you felt, who was present etc.

Keep your diary up to date so you can develop a history of actions that demonstrate a pattern of behaviour over time that can be used as evidence of elder abuse.

Get help

Call the National Elder Abuse helpline on 1800 353 374 if you believe you may be experiencing elder abuse.

Talk to your GP about what is happening and how you are feeling. If your mental health is deteriorating see your GP or contact Beyond Blue for 24/7 advice and support.

Take good care of yourself

Get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly, eat well and pamper yourself as you navigate these challenging times.

If you are not able to spend time with your grandchildren, organise to spend the festive season celebrations with close friends or family.